Policin’ Ain’t Easy
This is the city. Lytton, California. I work here… I carry a badge. Out there on the streets gangsters and dealers push the latest in designer narcotics. Ruining lives for the promise of quick cash and cheap women. I’m the only thing that stands between them and justice. My name is Bonds… Sonny Bonds and this is my story.
Death #1: Failure to Sit
Here I am, Sonny Bonds, traffic cop in the city of Lytton, California. It’s my first day on the job and I’m determined to become the best cop this city has ever known! Criminals will quake in fear at the very mention of my name! I show up early to work today as I’m too excited to sleep. After a quick shower I head over to the briefing room for the morning meeting. In walks Sgt. Dooley and everyone takes a seat. Not wanting to look like the rest of these lazy cops I decide to stand at attention showing my respect. Unfortunately I don’t think Dooley took my gesture quite the way I meant it…
Not-Death #2: Just Givin’ Tickets
Ok… so my first day didn’t go as well as I had hoped. After a few weeks of cleaning the station toilets I’m back in business and Dooley’s put me out on the streets. Time to bust some crime! I’m cruising the blocks for not 5 minutes when a cherry red car flies right past me! PUNCH IT! I flip on the sirens and slam on the gas in hot pursuit. Finally my first ticket! I step out of the squad car and roll up to the driver… WOAH! This dame is quite the looker. Looks like it’s Sonny Bonds time to score, I let this sweetheart off with a warning and get myself a nice little reward. This police thing is going to be a cakewalk!
Death #3: Biker Beatdown
Got a call over the radio about a disturbance at the local diner. That place has the most AMAZING cherry pie! I hurry over there as quickly as I can and see what all the trouble is:
Well, that didn’t go so well Sonny. Alright, let’s try that again, this time I’ll see if I can reason with this fellow and hopefully talk him out of beating my face in again:
Alright punk… I see how it’s going to be. Clearly I’ve got to defend myself against this mongoloid, well let’s see how tough he is staring straight down the barrel of my .45:
Hmm… Well clearly I underestimated this whole police business… I guess killing a guy is FROWNED upon in this city. Only one way to solve this issue then, a good old-fashioned beating with my nightstick! No deaths involved! Now, how about that pie?
Death #4: Under the Influence
Uh-oh, no time for pie now Sonny! Just got a call over the radio about a possible drunk driver in town! Into the Bondsmobile I head and hunt down the perp. I find him swerving around the road and promptly pull him over. Clearly this guy is sloshed out of his mind, time to cuff him and bring him downtown. Guy asks to be cuffed in front as he’s already more than 3 sheets to the wind. Well, I don’t see much of a problem with that, might as well give the poor guy this one favor as he’s going to be spending the rest of the evening in the drunk tank already anyway.
Well, that could have gone better… how was I to know I was arresting Hulk Hogan here!
Let’s try that again shall we… This time I make sure to cuff the guy BEHIND his back. Alright Houdini try to get yourself out of that one. We make our way down to the local lock-up.
It’s an uneventful ride to the local jail, Mr. Barnum slurs to himself most of the way there.
I get out of the car and lead him inside for processing. Once ready to book him and place him in his cell.
Following procedure I ask Mr. Barnum to enter the center of the room so there can be no funny business. I remove his cuffs and turn to go open his cell door… OOF!
Dammit! That drunks hands slam into my head knocking me out… AGAIN! Mr. Barnum runs out of lock-up never to be seen again…
Death #5: Grand Theft Murder
Well… no time now to get broken up over lost drunks. I get a call over the radio about a suspected stolen vehicle being sighted. Just my luck I quickly find the car and pull him over. Step out of the squad car: BLAM! Oh boy, this is going to be a long day…
Ok ok… let’s try this one again, this time I’ll call in some backup! Yeah, that guy doesn’t stand a chance with my boys watching my back:
Alright, I can see we got ourselves a cop killer here. Armed with my preternatural knowledge of what this guy will do and my trusty sidearm let’s see how we do:
Ok… once again I see we can’t just gun down criminals anymore… I’ve got my backup and I know this guy is dangerous. Instead of getting out of the car I shout for the suspect to get out and on the ground while my partner and I cover him from behind our cars. Got you know ya little punk!
Checking the trunk of the stolen car I find myself a treasure trove of wacky tobaccy and some nose nuggets. Cuff the sleaze ball and toss him in the back of the squad car. We take ourselves a little trip down to the lockup for some processing.
Feeling pretty good about myself I take the perp into processing and have him enter the center of the room. I remove his cuffs and prepare to move him to his cell when he reaches for something! He pulls a piece and blasts me into next Sunday… Guess I should’ve frisked him before uncuffing him like that…
Death #6: Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good
No time to worry about that now. Once the bullet wound heals and I’m back on the force I find I’ve been moved to narcotics! Probably because of my triumphant drug bust with the stolen car… or because of the transfer request I put in a few weeks back. Either way I’m working the big time now! We got word of a drug deal going down in the park and I’m on the scene to catch some criminals!
Ok… so this narcotics thing is going to be more difficult than traffic too… Let’s try this again, this time I’ll wait until AFTER the deal has gone down to get the drop on these two goons:
Ok, this time I make the bust and DON’T forget to frisk the kid! After giving up his dealer friend it’s time to take these boys downtown for processing. I know I haven’t had much luck with booking these criminals but I feel my luck is about to change.
Booked and processed I move the two dirt bags into the center of the room. With my partner right there with me there’s no way these guys can get the drop on me this time, plus I already frisked them!
I pull off the cuffs and the dealer reaches in and grabs my piece! SHOT BY MY OWN GUN! This won’t be good…
Death #7: Secret Agent Man
After I wake from my fever dream caused by being shot AGAIN I find that I haven’t been fired for some reason. I guess the department has found some value in my ability to continually survive these encounters. Apparently while I was laid up we found the kingpin behind the drug trafficking in Lytton and a sting has been set up to catch him. I’m to pose as a local criminal and infiltrate the drug ring and bring down the “Death Angel”. My girl Sweet Cheeks Marie is sent along with me to make the introductions… boy she looks good…
Looks like the Chief wasn’t too happy with my lack of professionalism… let’s try this again, this time I WON’T miss that poker game:
Hmmm… Maybe I should’ve learned how to play poker before taking on this mission… Ok 1 copy of Poker For Dummies later and I’m back in business! After whipping these guys Jesse invites me up to talk some business, I’ve got him now:
Ok ok… let’s try this again. This time I WIN the poker game and THEN call in some backup! With my new-found friends to help out I can’t possibly get taken in by Jesse:
Right… ok, here we go: Win Poker Game. Call Backup. Get Invited Upstairs. REMEMBER ROOM NUMBER. Give number to backup. Get the drop on Jesse Bains:
Finally! The terror of Jesse Bains the Death Angel is brought to an end. The city of Lytton is safe once again from the terror of his criminal organization. I can rest easy knowing that I probably won’t be getting shot again anytime soon… at least not until the sequel comes out!